A glimpse on the inside

And you asked why
tears were falling from my eyes,
when you wanted to know what scares me the most,
when near three years ago,
this year would make you twenty-two,
I saw the last of you.
Nothing escapes the dread I held,
the rush I felt,
the pain I saw,
but could not help,
Nineteen and on the bed,
tubes and wires,
the only things that made you not dead.
With your senior picture beside you,
your dad crying and telling me to
"Please don't remember him like this,
you knew who he was,
he's that picture,
he's the one thing we will always love."
Your body was broken,
I got my last hug in,
1200 miles apart,
a final goodbye,
my best friend,
how the years have gone by.
The car we once drove
stays parked outside your garage door.
Us friends,
we bear the weight everyday alone,
but I love you in my thoughts,
I know I won't be scared as long as I'm still holding on.

May

I may never be the beauty you desire, I may never speak the right words, my love may not be the greatest, it may only be comparable to the whoever could be next. My knees may be scraped, legs covered with scattered bruises. I may have cracked my rib cage open, I might have let my heart fall. I may have removed my cranial protection and I may have given you my every thought. I may continue to try to give you every piece more of me, but you only let me continue to fail. I tried what I thought I composed of my best, I thought no one else could be anything near to next. I may not have gotten you but I gave all that I had to you.

Blank

        Smoke above fire, the problems deepest factor burns the bottom of my soul. I watch my smoke rise as these issues spread over and through me, seeming to dissipate into the night sky, but I know better. The smoke is just blending and merging with every faucet of my life, I know where the issue lies, but how much of me does it really take over? I will be patiently waiting the embers of the fire the next morning. Silently burning, smothering the heat, the coals concealing me, just until I can breathe enough to grow. This fire cannot be contained, for it began as one of man’s greatest accomplish, it can quickly become our greatest demise. My embers glow for you, just give me enough oxygen and I will only burn for you.

The curtain has fallen

        I looked back at the words I wrote down months ago. It is experience evoking those past feelings, that you do not doubt yourself that they were strong, but it is also funny how you do not have to feel that way any longer. I do feel different, but I guess I still find so much truth in the past. I cannot deny any of it, what has happen and what I had felt. I feel now that I do not have to try, nor do I want to. For a second I thought I was hung up a little bit and got screwed over once again, but seeing things make it easy. Sometimes you just need that one thing to make the realization that it was nothing to begin with. If only in the beginning you could see that it was nothing then you could compose yourself at the end. Unfortunately for myself and the other romantics out there this is not an option because we will inevitably hold the naiveté’s of a mind stunted cognitively. We cannot think forward, in truth, but we can in fantasy. I dropped my veil and have nothing but the world and truth in front of me. There are no expectations here. Now I have found myself content on being alone, thanks to an image. Being screwed over is an excuse, things do not have to work out all the time, if they did we would all be with our first love.

Bedroom Eyes

        As I laid there looking at where you slept, the contours of the mattress and sheets leaving the impression of where you used to be, where I wished you were now. How the majority of the hours we shared, we slept, it is an action that cannot compare to anyone else. I kept wanting your body to fill the gaps again, and that I would be staring at your face rather than the mundane wall that used to outline your body.
        My bed has an open spot now. There's a wall built in the middle, and it is not something I can climb over. I wonder what it would look like with its wall torn down and seeing a face on the other side. How many faces will fill this spot? How many already have? All the past people that have laid on the other side of my bed, I can still imagine their faces. Now they are all looking at someone else and I have a burnt orange wall filling the void. What is it that makes someone feel like they are the world to someone else? What does it feel like to want to talk to someone all the time, or how must it feel like to have someone wanting to speak to you at all times. How the most minute of occurrences can become the most important.
        I have these things happen to me throughout the day and I just want to tell someone, and then I gander through my phone, through my contacts and hold it inside, because in the end there is no one that I know that would appreciate it. I dream lately of a day that I will experience someone going out of their way for me. Of the people that have laid in my bed, none have held true to me. I want to make someone feel like the world, but I want to know what being someone's world is as well. It is not that I am sitting around waiting, nor do I pout that I have not had this, it is something extraordinary that I am curious about.
        There was a time that I was loved forever, there was a time that I would never be forgotten, people can tell you anything they want but I will be a skeptic because believing has become so hard to do.
       "You used to call just to tell me to look at the stars,
         to see how pretty Venus and Mars are.
         But now I don't even know where you are."
     
         It's hard to see where venus and mars are this time of the year.

3:22 AM

You became a dream to me. A short lived experience, with you in the center of it, and within hours you were gone. For those hours were real, the mere state of awe seize inside me knowing that you would go back to words on a screen and a pretty face. You are a dream I want to explore, that I want to wake up inside of and feel your presence. I await the day that someone longs to be near me as much as I do to them. The birds have not left south yet but the weather has been getting cold.

That Much Further West